Its raining. Its pouring. Which means A) The old man is snoring and B) every asshole in New York has got their umbrellas out today. Its days like this that I want to blow up this entire fuckin city. Its cold, its wet, your feet are soaked, the subways are delayed and turn into a sweat box, and above ground every man, woman, and child trying to get to work succumb to a fit of primal rage wielding umbrellas as their weapons. I dunno what it is, but heavy rain makes New Yorkers regress to a caveman-like state – its survival of the fittest, every man for himself and people will kick a baby and smash their way through flooded city blocks with their umbrellas.

Here is your comprehensive guide to the Umbrella Assholes of New York City:

1. Golf Umbrella Guy

golfumbrella
Fuck this guy. We’re not on a golf course, are we asshole? No, we’re actually in the opposite of a sprawling spacious plot of land. We’re in one of the most crowded cities in the fuckin world and your umbrella with a 24 foot circumference is taking up three city blocks. Not too mention all the water that your giant canopy collects comes streaming off the edges of your umbrella, shooting right underneath my normal sized umbrella and soaks my legs and feet. Fuck you dude. I hope you kill yourself. (I’d say roughly 90% of my friends are Golf Umbrella Guys. I still hope they Kill Themselves)

2. Submarine Umbrella Woman

bubble-umbrella-1o

Ah, beware the Submarine Umbrella Girl. She’s practically invincible. She maintains a 360 degree field of vision inside her bubble, yet her entire upper body is safe from the rain and the wrath of the pointy spokes of other umbrellas. She wears Hunter boots that reach all the way up to her crotch as well, protecting her lower body. Inside her bubble umbrella, she plows through crowds with reckless abandon. Submarine Umbrella Woman is also probably a total bitch. Fuck her, I hope she gets hit by a cab.

3. The Broken Man

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You know this dude. The guy with the $5 umbrella he bought from the Korean on the corner. Dude made if 4 steps before that thing flipped inside out. The umbrella spokes are sticking out like deadly blades and the canopy is sagging like your grandmother’s boobs. Its a sad sight really. Makes me think that the Broken Man is homeless and can’t afford any better. But then I remember he’s actually just a 20-something male and NONE of us ever check the weather before going out. Most we do is look out the window. Anyway, dude, when your umbrella is ripped to shreds and you’re saturated, might just wanna toss that mangled piece of shit in the trash. You look like the assholes who walk around with the newspaper over their head.

4. The Assholes Who Walk Around With The Newspaper Over Their Head

newspaper

Good try dude but AM New York ain’t gonna save you from torrential downpour. Have some goddam self respect and hop in a cab. Scratch that, you’re probably poor – go hop on the bus.  At least go buy a Broken Man umbrella. Ink is streaming down your face and you look pathetic.

And as bad as 1 through 4 are, if I ever see anyone in New York City with:

#5 – The Nubrella

nubrella

It will be my right and duty to throw that person in front of oncoming traffic