Smoking GunWalmart is pressing a felony charge against a 63-year-old worker who has been accused of stealing a bag of Oreo cookies from the Indiana store where she worked on the maintenance crew. Penny Winters was arrested this week after Walmart launched an internal investigation upon the discovery of an empty cookie wrapper. A subsequent review of surveillance footage showed “Ms. Winters select the package of cookies, open it, and proceed to consume multiple cookies during her work shift.” Cops did not estimate the value of the “multiple cookies” consumed by Winters, who has been fired from her $11.40 position with the retail giant. When confronted by a Walmart “asset protection manager,” Winters admitted taking the Oreos, adding that she had also helped herself to other snacks during her seven-month tenure at the store. Winters, seen in the above mug shot, told the Walmart investigator that she “simply did not have the monies to legitimately purchase the food items.” When cops asked her about the Oreos, Winters claimed she found an open package of the cookies near a cash register and assumed that they had been provided for free by management. Winters was arrested Monday and charged with felony theft for pinching the Oreos (and other unspecified junk food).

This shit reminds me of when Skinny Pete got ripped off & a meth head ended up with his skull crushed by an ATM on Breaking Bad. Sometimes, you gotta send a message that you’re no punk bitch. It’s principle. There’s no way swiping a bag of milk’s favorite cookie is a felony, but Walmart’s asset protection manager will pursue the death penalty regardless. I picture a Lumbergh-type drone who takes their job WAY too seriously. Clocking endless overtime dusting the cookie bag for prints & dissecting surveillance footage frame by frame. Hiding in disguise behind smiley face rollback signs trying to eavesdrop for clues on the cookie caper. I wouldn’t be surprised if Walmart has a torture chamber where Penny had jumper cables pulsing a zillion volts through her saggy titties, breaking her into admitting her entire shoplifting history. Walmart’s a motherfucking low price kingpin, gramms, but they didn’t get there by giving away Oreos for free. You’re lucky you still have your hands.