“I’m so stupid and Sanchez is better looking than me”
How long before Mark Sanchez goes all Ray Finkle and ends up in an insane asylum because of Greg McElroy and Tim Tebow? Stuck in a psych ward with newspaper clippings about the Jets QB controversy pinned up all over the wall. Pictures of Tebow and McElroy’s faces with big red X’s scribbled through them. Bibles with the pages ripped out and Tebow jerseys torn to shreds. You go visit his mother’s house and up in his bedroom he’s got a projector running the Butt Fumble on repeat.
The only logical explanation for what Mark Sanchez was writing down on that clipboard was his Kill List. Just taking notes on everyone who did him so dirty and ruined his life.
10. The dude who came up with that GQ Baywatch spread – I feel like way back when, when Mark Sanchez posed as David Hasselhoff with his chest hair out, he got branded as a pretty boy and never really shook it. I mean its not like it haunted him every step of the way, but you wonder if you do certain things different along the way if your public perception would have been different the hole time. Obviously not sucking as a QB on the field is more important but all these things add up in the long run.
9. Santonio Holmes – No doubt that any time an “unnamed Jet” was bashing Sanchez and saying he can’t lead, it was Santonio Holmes. Saying that they wanted Peyton Manning, saying the team lost faith in him. All the “anonymous player” bullshit was lead by this dickhead. Holmes’ numbers were way down because he’s an overpaid bum and he blamed Sanchez because he’s a coward. That was the beginning of the “Mark has lost the locker room” talk.
8. Woody Johnson – Psychotically obsessed with the back pages and selling PSLs, Woody orchestrated the Tebow trade hoping for more of both of those things. Completely undermined Sanchez’s credibility as a franchise quarterback and had everything backfire in his face. The embarrassment he’s feeling right now is probably an even worse punishment.
7. Mike Tannenbaum – For either being a fucking idiot and thinking the Tim Tebow trade was a good idea or being too much of a pussy to stand up to Woody Johnson and tell him it was a bad football move. Also for letting the successful core of veterans from the 2009 and 2010 teams walk without even coming close to replacing them.
6. Eli Manning – If Eli and the Giants don’t put together two preposterously improbable Super Bowl runs, the comparisons to their crosstown rivals don’t exist. Dead.
5. Brandon Moore’s Asshole – Just put your gun right up that dude’s butthole and empty the clip. Because that was it. That was the real moment your career ended, Mark. Probably the most embarrassing play in NFL history. It will be your lasting legacy. Fuck Brandon Moore’s butt. Metaphorically, of course.
4. Rex Ryan – Now Mark probably doesn’t wanna do this. Rex showed a lot of patience with him. Always backed him. Always believed in him and said he was his guy. But if it wasn’t for Rex’s guarantees and trash talk there would have never been so much undue pressure on your shoulders. The expectations would have been so much more realistic. I think if Rex puts in a phone call and apologizes, Mark would rub some red lipstick on like Buscemi in Billy Madison and cross him off the list, but for now he stays on there.
3. Greg McElroy – From airing out their locker room drama last year on the radio to this Sunday’s game, McElroy has probably been on Sanchez’s shit list. And on a day when Sanchez looked worse than ever against a team who had lost 7 games in a row, McElroy marches on his first drive and scores the game winning TD.
2. Tim Tebow – The beginning of the end for Mark Sanchez. No matter how Tebow spun it, no matter how the team spun it, when you bring in a quarterback who had just won playoff games the season before, you know you’re being undercut. And to make matters worse he’s a phony choir boy asshole who plays all shy and humble to the media all day long. Tim Tebow was probably on people’s Kill Lists when he was still in Denver. Mark Sanchez definitely wants to murder his ass after fucking up his entire career.
1. The Media – This has not been the first quarterback controversy. It has not been the first time a rookie had success early and then slumped. There was a million things that went wrong with the Jets as a team that had nothing to do with Mark Sanchez. And every step of the way Sanchez said the right things. Never threw anybody under the bus. Always took responsibility. Handled the media as well as anyone can. And yet every journalist and beat reporter and blogger (myself included) just continued to bash the dude. Scrutinize every move. What he did right, what he did wrong. Who he fucked, who he didn’t. The media spun virtually everything Mark Sanchez did into a story. Dude could not leave the house without it being a reason why he should lose his job.
PS – Spare me the comments about being insensitive given this weekend’s events. Plus we all know Mark was really just writing down all the names of the smokes he’s fucked to make himself feel better.