Little League baseball was a time of purity, run limits, and psychotic adults turned 3rd base coaches for 6 innings, 2-3 times a week. Sure, outside the confines of the diamond, just beyond the home and visitor dugouts, there existed a world of flirting, freeze tag, and snack bar camaraderie amongst your brother and his friends. But it was on the field where the action went down, where heroes were born, where identities were discovered.

First Base- I’m fairly certain the sports goggle industry would be bankrupt if it weren’t for little league first baseman. Easily the biggest goon and nerdiest dweeb on the field. Little league 1b has a terrible glove, a decent bat, and a missing chromosome. Downsy kids ALWAYS play first.

Second Base- 150,000,000% reserved for the coach’s unathletic son. Cocky little bastard never takes practice seriously because Dad  is doing infield/outfield, so fuck it. Bat me 6th, let me pitch some garbage innings, and put me on the all-star team. Little League 2b is a disgrace to the game.

Shortstop- The self-proclaimed best player on the team. Shortstops got all the pussy for absolutely no reason. Granted, you need the range, and chicks dig the range, but get over yourself. At the end of the day, you’re waiting in line at the snack bar for Airheads like the rest of us.

Third Base- The undisputed fielding MVP of the team. The hot corner requires a strong arm, cat-like reflexes, and the ability to charge the slow roller a la Scott Brosius. Third base was the home for champions. **Side note: I may be a bit bias toward 3rd because that was my position. I would put my arm strength on a chopper behind the bag somewhere in the Scott Rolen range. Straight BBs until they moved it to 90 foot bases.

Catcher- FAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT. NICE FAT, FATTY! FATTY FAT FAT. FATTY MCGEE. Kid’s on line for the snack bar before the final out is caught. FAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Left Field- A surprisingly important position. 1 lefty in all of little league and righties have no idea how to go the other way yet. Little league’s unsung hero for sure.

Center Field- Not to be confused with that self-righteous prick at short, center field is actually the best player on the field. Center field always had the coolest spikes too. Center Field is always the rich kid. Fuck you, Center field.

Right Field- I defy anybody to name a little league right fielder who didn’t turn into your crazy friend when you go to the bar. Right field featured your grade’s biggest A.D.D. case. Kid was always biting the leather on his glove and flipping his hat in the air. He’s the guy that the other coach felt bad for and scolded his team for yelling “move in” when he stepped in the box.

Pitcher- Keep your petty athleticism in center, and your underrated stardom in left- the pitcher dictates the team’s success. With only like a 40-pitch limit to work with each week, the little league pitcher is continuously challenged with the task of acting like he isn’t better than everyone else on the field. Tough assignment. He’s usually your clean up hitter also, so if you think about it, labeling the little league pitcher a hero isn’t that big a stretch. Oh yeah, I pitched too.