- In China, white people can be rented. For a day, a weekend, a week, up to even a month or two, Chinese companies are willing to pay high prices for fair-faced foreigners to join them as fake employees or business partners. Some call it “White Guy Window Dressing.” To others, it’s known as the “White Guy in a Tie” events, “The Token White Guy Gig,” or, simply, a “Face Job.” And it is, essentially, all about the age-old Chinese concept of face. To have a few foreigners hanging around means a company has prestige, money and the increasingly crucial connections — real or not — to businesses abroad. “Face, we say in China, is more important than life itself,” said Zhang Haihua, author of “Think Like Chinese.” “Because Western countries are so developed, people think they are more well off, so people think that if a company can hire foreigners, it must have a lot of money and have very important connections overseas. So when they really want to impress someone, they may roll out a foreigner.”

Did they say fake employees? Because I’ve worked a lot of temp jobs in my day, so I’m pretty much a professional fake employee. No joke one time this company hired like 20 people just to sit in front of computers all day. The company sucked so bad but they wanted to look busier than they actually were to impress their clients. I collected a cool $18/hour and just sat back and played Snood for 6 hours. Would’ve played for the full 8 hours but the Chili’s down the street was serving $7 pitchers of Sangria so I took a nice two hour lunch.

So if you want fake employees, I got fake employee experience up the wazoo. Just tell me where to sign. Here’s my cracker face China man. Been watching TV in the dark all week so I’m extra pale for you. Need an oil man from Texas? Howdy partner. Business man from Spain? Mucho dinero. Captain of a ship? Ahoy bitches. Like they say act as if and fake it till you make it.

Even at the bar making shit up is like 80% of my game. OK that’s a lie the girl being real drunk is like 80% of my game, but the other 20% is making shit up. Oh you think its cool I work at a nursing home?……Maroon 5 is my favorite band too!…..I’ve only been riding horses competitively for a few years…..blah blah blah. Shit I once hooked up with a girl who thought I was a pro surfer. Told her my dad was eaten by a shark in a big surfing contest and I was just carrying on his legacy with every wave I rode. Bitch ate it up like candy. Well jokes on you honey because I’ve never surfed in my life. Shit I can barely even swim. Unless these Chinese guys need a swimmer. In that case grab my goggles because I am Michael Phelps motherfuckers.