Huffington post – Debbie Michelle Zamacona, a 40-year-old woman from Winder, Ga., recently made the shocking allegation that an apparition swiped her curriculum vitae — which she valued at a whopping $5,000. During the Dec. 22, a thieving spook also stole a paper documenting her criminal history (including her terminated parole) and a black and blue blouse, according to a police report filed by the Barrow County Sheriff’s Department. When deputies asked her if she had any idea who might have taken the missing items, she explained she suspected the thief was one of two ghosts, the Augusta Chronicle reported. The responding officer noted in the police report that there was no method of entry to the house, but he had a little problem getting the estimated value of the items from Zamacona. ”Mrs. Zamacona stated she was unsure how much the resume was worth because she was not good at math,” the report stated. “I told Mrs. Zamacona that I needed a value for the report and that it just needed to be an approximation. Mrs. Zamacona stated that she did not understand what I was asking. ”At that point, I noticed a flat screen television mounted on the wall of her bedroom. I explaimed to Mrs. Zamacona that the value of the resume was like me asking her how much she would sell her television for. Mrs. Zamacona stated that she did not know how much she would sell the television for because she does not like television.”

How cocky do you have to be to claim that your resume is worth 5 grand? Thats more delusional than claiming a ghost stole it. My resume is worth no more than the paper its printed on and the ink its written with. Here was the last resume I ever put together back when I was a Cubicle Monkey:

First of all, the “Regulatory and Capital Markets Consulting Group?” Really, KFC? For sure not dude. Now heres what it should say:

Hands down the best part of resumes are those “Skills” and “achievements” sections. “Proficient” in this, “Advanced” at that. I took Spanish in 3rd grade, lets call that “Bi-Lingual” or “conversational.” What a fucking joke. My old roommate put his golf handicap and his fucking marathon time under achievements. Seriously people just put down anything they’ve ever accomplished ever. I might as well have been like Achievements: “One time I fucked an 8 when there’s no way I should ever fuck anything over a 6.” More or less resume’s are one page of “how much can I lie and embellish and still get away with it?” Which I guess in a way is a pretty valuable skill. If you wanna judge a resume based on those skills, thats fine by me. But anyone who actually values any of the bullshit written on a resume is a dope, including that ghost who stole Debbie Zamacona’s.

PS – Nobody on the entire planet uses Microsoft Access. Anyone who says they’re proficient in that is a bad liar and their resume should be thrown out immediately.