Barstool Sports

NY Times – In 2007, Wesley Autrey, a 50-year-old construction worker and father of two, threw himself on top of a man who was having a seizure on the subway tracks and held him down in the shallow trench between the rails as the No. 1 train passed over them. A city hailed him. A president invited him to the White House. Then another subway hero came along. This one was named Chad Lindsey, an aspiring actor who last year jumped on the tracks to help a fallen man. With the help of others on the platform, he lifted the man out as the lights of an oncoming train turned the corner, then jumped out himself. Just in time to catch his own train and go about his business. He would have remained anonymous if friends had not outed him as the unknown hero. He later said he thought about Mr. Autrey as he jumped onto the tracks. On Monday, another subway samaritan may have come and gone, and so far all anybody official seems to know about him is that he is an unidentified black man. After a woman fainted onto the tracks Monday evening at the Union Square station, the man jumped onto the track bed to try to revive her, witnesses told the police. Seeing the lights of an Eighth Avenue-bound L train, and probably realizing he was out of time, he hastily positioned her body in the trench between the tracks, then hoisted himself out as the train roared in, the police said. Amid all the chaos, meanwhile, before anyone had noticed or thought to ask him his name, the man who, according to witness accounts given to the police, had jumped onto the tracks like Wesley Autrey before him, was gone.

I’m just posing this question to you weaklings to see who’s a real man and who’s not. Obviously your boy KFC is a natural born leader/hero with the strength of ten men so it’s no surprise that I’d jump down on the tracks, hoist the damsel in distress over my shoulder, and hop back up to safety with speed of a mongoose. I’ll tell you what I wouldn’t do, though, and that’s not get any credit for it like that idiot down at Union Square. Fuck all that humble shit.

First thing I’m doing once I save the chick from a speeding locomotive is have sex with her. Right there on the spot on the platform. (If you’re a dude and you fall onto the tracks, you’re on your own.)  Cause there ain’t no sex like Subway Hero Sex cause Subway Hero Sex don’t stop. After that, I’m doing the whole morning show circuit. Good Morning America, the Today Show, Regis and Kelly. The whole 9. Do some primetime spots with Larry King and that little minx Katie Couric. Probably F her too.  I’ll charm the whole country, probably shed a couple tears for the camera and before you know it I’ll be selling the movie rights to my tale of heroism. Because a Good Samaritan is only as good as the Based-On-A-True-Story movie they make about you.

PS – I’m 100% joking about all of this. There is not a fucking chance I’m hopping down on to the subway tracks. Are you out of your fucking mind? That shit is dangerous.