Wow what a great question submitted by…me. This is a tough call. On one hand, being Derek Jeter for a month would be 30 days of living as a Godking. Jeter runs through girls at a scary pace as it is, and that’s with knowing that at the end of the day, he has to remain Derek Jeter, and he has to deal with the consequences of Derek Jeter’s heart eating. Yet he continues to smash everything 9 and higher with a pussy. Now take that talent, and factor in the ability to not be him at the end of the month. AKA you could literally fuck 6 models a day, sully his reputation entirely, and then go back to being the nothing that you are in real life at the end of the month. Kind of a dick move leaving #2 with filled up answering machines and a slew of paternity cases across the country, but it’s not your problem. But being Derek Jeter would mean that you’d have to be half black, which kinda sucks. Just kidding, Mo and Black Dude. I love black people. I would kill to be half black. Not only would it put me on the same level as Drake, but it would finally justify the python I carry around all day. Finally put an end to the “I was so surprised, cus you know.. you’re Jewish” remarks from girls.

The Derek Jeter lifestyle would only be a month though. That’s just not enough time to fully enjoy the perks. It’s like that movie, Hall Pass. You’d have to spend the first couple days easing into the lifestyle change. You can’t just go full-force Jeter right off the bat or you’ll run the risk of pulling something. Then if you end up getting stuck with February as your month, you’re looking at like 3 weeks of Jeter. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it’s like twenty minutes, Elaine. On the other hand, you could rock that bulbous Brett Gardner dome for an entire year. Sure, you’re not slaying as much cooch as you would with #2 on your back, but I’d imagine “Hey, I’m Brett Gardner” does just fine in NYC bars. Plus, that’s an entire year of living a wealthy lifestyle, as opposed to just one month for those of you picking Jeter. I would tear through Brett’s savings account. Maybe a $35 overdraft fee from B of A would make him want that multi-year deal and motivate him to learn how to read a pitcher’s first move. Fucking ludicrous how often a guy that fast gets caught stealing.

Vote 1 for Jeter for a month and 10 for Gardner for a year.

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