(Newser) – Just in case a weary world hasn’t seen enough royal skin lately, the proprietors of YouPorn.com are trying to get us even more: TMZ has gotten its paws on a letter from the porn site to Laurence Pieau, editrix at Closer, who defended publishing the topless photos of Kate Middleton by saying that her mag had refrained from publishing “more intimate photos” of the royal couple. Seems YouPorn has no such compunction, and is offering Closer an “open check” for the footage, calling it “incredibly newsworthy.” “We feel very confident that we can show this footage legally,” reads the letter, “and would like to make you aware that we have an ‘open checkbook.’” Meanwhile, back at the palace, the BBC reports that Kate and William will tomorrow file a criminal complaint in France against the photographer who snapped the pics. “We can confirm that a criminal complaint is to be made to the French Prosecution Department,” a spokesoman says.

You think Kate Middelton fucks? Like fuck-fucks? 50 Shades of Grey type of shit? I bet she does. I bet when you spend your entire life in the public eye minding your manners and behaving like royalty, part of you just wants to unleash in the bedroom. Like I bet she does that move where she licks the balls while shes giving a blow job. You know what I mean? The D is all the way in and she sticks her tongue out the bottom. Thats my favorite move in the history of porn, by the way. But anyway, yea, I think Kate is fully capable of wrecking dicks in the sack. She seems like the type of chick you’d meet in a pub some where who wants to chug a Guinesss and go home and maybe titty fuck. Her sister is a little minx, thats for sure. Just all signs pointing to total freak.

William on the other hand. What a mouth breather that guy is. I’d wanna see a sex tape with that guy as much as I’d wanna see a sex tape from Mark Teixiera. He’d probably be like “Oh yes Kate! Yes! I love giving you sexual intercourse missionary! I love making love to you! I’m going to ejaccccuuuulaaatee!!” I bet he’s got such a complex because his brother fucks everything that walks. Those two are like Goofus and Gallant. Harry is Goofus just balls deep in sluts doing blow and William is Gallant all like “Grandma wouldn’t be happy about this, Harold!”

I guess all in all, I’m down for some Royal sex pictures. Ideally I’d like to see Kate on the Casting Couch one day. Who knows, maybe one day her and William break up and she needs some money. One thousand to five thousand dollars a day. Bend over and spread your cheeks.